Am I Insane? (January 2, 1997)

Editorial Board - Press & Sun Bulletin

Re: My last two submittals and today's Guest Viewpoint by Michael Elliot

I often question my sanity. I look around and see things that seem to me so clearly insane and yet to others make perfect sense. I wonder if my Irish Catholic upbringing has filled my head with spiritual nonsense and clouded my otherwise logical mind. I am a programmer by trade … I could brag and say I was a systems analyst or designer … but in reality, I am the chief cook and bottle washer of a small software company where everyone wears many hats. I should be writing programs right now … but here I am again … questioning my sanity.

Writing computer programs is easy and logical. If I do not stay logical the program simply will not run, or it crashes and burns somewhere in the middle, or it corrupts the data or gives results that do not add up. The programs can get quite complex, requiring a great deal of testing before release and invariably, some bugs do slip through to the field … but they are typically annoyances and can easily be found and squashed in a maintenance release.

When I was young, I wanted to be a writer and philosopher when I grew up. I liked arguing with the great minds in much ado about nothing conversation as if anyone could answer the timeless question of why we are here. I still like those conversations but the economic realities of raising a family caused me to start a more practical business.

Computers was a logical choice for exercising the logic I enjoyed. I was 30 when I started my business. I told myself "I'll make a fortune and retire at 40. I'll go to some hillside and write without worry of financial reward." I'm 44 now and I still haven't made it to that hill. Business is good … but not that good … and though I have a knack for programming, I lack business skills and have no regard for money. It's that philosopher in me.

And it's that philosopher in me that has me here now, not writing programs that add up, but once again questioning my sanity. Things would make perfect sense if it were not for one, small, spiritual point that I am hung up on. I believe in the dignity of man.

I do not know if it was the Irish Catholics that got me screwed up with this belief, or if it was something I picked up in a history or social studies class, but it really gets in the way of my logic. Indeed, it gets me going so much that sometimes I will stand on a soap box and shout "I will not go gentle into that good night. I will rage against the dying of the light."

What are they thinking on the other end, I wonder? Religious zealot? Wacko? The man who would be king? Demagogue?

No. I'm just an ordinary guy, I tell myself. I have a wife and kids and food on the table. Life should be good. I should be quiet. But it continues to gnaw at me. We are managing human life like we manage cattle or a crop of potatoes. In this sense, we are making great progress. It is the best of times. It is the worst of times. Am I insane?

Brian J. McMahon 797-5016

p.s. I'm not asking for this to be published. I'm just asking you to answer my question.

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